Being a practitioner – finding another way

I’m a Body-Mind Integration Specialist, and recently led a two-day retreat for small business leaders.

It's common for participants to take a while to find their way into the work, as it is experience-led rather than talk-based. At this retreat, one participant stood out — no-nonsense, arms crossed, giving off the clear message: “What are we doing here?”

Running a business in a traditionally male field, Hazel’s physicality expressed that life is a constant battle, with every inch fought for and hard won. Her friends and co-workers experienced both her strength and her sharpness. She was someone known for not suffering fools gladly.

Everything in her life confirmed that she had to be strong. That part of her was like granite. When she didn't want to move, she was immovable; when she wanted progress, she was unstoppable.

These fantastic qualities created a lot of success for her. They also created exhaustion and pain. She felt that she could never let up, that she was single-handedly responsible for everything in her life, her work, and her family.

If I could persuade her that another approach was possible, perhaps she could experience similar success without the exhaustion.

We started with a paired exercise in which Hazel would walk forward while being lightly resisted by a partner standing in her way. The point of the exercise is less about moving one’s partner, and more about revealing one's expectations and habitual patterns when anticipating a challenge.

Her legs braced, her shoulders tightened, and her eyes glared as she demolished the resistance. She overwhelmed her partner and broke them down to get what she wanted. No-one had the strength to stand in her way.

What if that resistance had come from her teenage daughter, or a badly-timed phone call, or someone driving too slowly in front of her? What if it was her own reasonable doubt about a plan? Would she drive through all these obstacles too? If she did, what relationships would she lose on the way?

But, Hazel countered, in my line of work you have to get the job done. I'm the boss, I'm ultimately responsible, and if I don't do it no-one else will. Tell me to walk forwards, and I'll walk forwards whatever the cost to myself or others.

I asked if she'd be willing to try another approach, one that might expend less energy; less likely to exhaust her and overwhelm others. She agreed, if only to humour me.

This time, I suggested that if she released her physical tension, set a firm yet open posture and held the intention to succeed, she would be ready to walk. But the momentum was to come from someone else pushing her. The pusher was to do all the work while Hazel's challenge was to maintain her posture and intention, and move with the momentum without being changed by it.

After several iterations of the pusher pushing, she was able to move smoothly forward through her partner’s resistance, without tightening under that pressure. Then we were able to take the final step.

When people work really hard to fight for every bit of progress, they are consumed by their experience of being alone.

Receiving the pusher’s force offers a different experience because they represent far more than the strength of another person just pushing. Their impetus represents all those who want us to do well – our forebears, our descendants, colleagues and clients who will benefit from our success, and inspirational figures and archetypes – those who will figuratively and literally put their hands on our back to help us forwards.

Gradually, Hazel was able to conjure up the same impetus for herself, but without bracing herself for a fight. Walking forward through the resistance with greater ease and grace, her demeanour lightened. She became alert to the possibilities opening up for her – a lighter approach that could be equally powerful but with less effort, less intensity for herself and others around her.