Being curious – what if I have to choose?

I honestly did not mean this to happen. I did not expect it, did not plan for it. But now it's happened, it feels right to me. I'm also becoming aware that this may change.

After I broke up with Simon, I was single for almost four years. It sounds lonely but it was good – I enjoyed being on my own after being partnered for so many years. But emerging from Covid I was ready for something more permanent.

Then, in a single weekend, I met two men I was – I still am – hugely attracted to. That said, I’m doing this interview anonymously because I’m very aware that what I’m doing isn't socially acceptable. So let's call the men T and H, which are not their initials.

T and I met on Friday evening at a party. Instant connection. We didn't even kiss but once we’d connected, we weren’t interested in talking to anyone else. When I had to leave. he walked me to my car, asked to see me again and said 'This could be good.' I smiled and nodded, we hugged, and before I reached home he'd sent a text with possible dates to meet. I flew through a weekend of flirty messages.

On Monday I went to a work event and afterwards we and some of the clients went for a drink and I got talking to H. The pub had a terrace and we ended up out there on a warm evening, absolutely fascinated by each other. And as we turned to go back into the pub, he moved in and kissed me. And I remember thinking "I am in real trouble here.”.

I have never been less than honest. When H asked to meet again I said yes, but that while I wasn't sleeping with anybody at the moment, I had met recently met someone interesting. Fine, he said. And kissed me again.

And when I met with T at the weekend, I told him the same thing. And he also said fine. And also kissed me.

I sound defensive, but I think and hope I've done my best on this. But I also know that dating two men at the same time – let me be clear, sleeping with two men at the same time – is definitely something that raises eyebrows.

What people would be even more shocked by, I think, is that this situation has been going on for four years. And that both T and H know about each other. And that we hang out together a lot.

There’s worse. We all love it. It suits all three of us. I have slightly more sex with H and go out slightly more with T. Both of them sleep with other people very very very occasionally (I don't) – and yes we tell each other what's happening and we all practise safe sex.

Here’s the thing. There's something going on with the three of us that makes it all the absolute opposite of casual.

Because we all become emotionally involved. They have met each other and get on great. We meet up all three – usually for food, sometimes for a walk – at least once a month. But they also meet as friends, without me. When we are all together we talk and talk and talk. And argue. And get angry and tearful. But never anxious – it’s safe. And it always feels equal.

To be clear, we never have sexual threesomes. T is theoretically bisexual but prefers women, H is straight, straight, straight. I like the difference, and the variety and sometimes I wonder ‘what if?’. But they’ve never shown any signs of wanting that and neither do I really.

Am I torn? Is there uncertainty or hesitation or guilt deep inside me? Up to a few months ago my answer was a resounding no. I loved it, loved it, loved it.

But since June, I'm less comfortable, That's not to do with them. It's that a few of my friends are having infidelity issues and it's breaking them… so I'm getting more and more aware of society's disapproval of anything but monogamy.

And I guess I'm looking ahead. What if I have to choose? What if one of them asked me to choose? Or if one of them got unhappy and decided to call an ultimatum? Or decided to bypass an ultimatum and simply leave, saying it was all too complicated? And what if I start to like one of them much more than I do the other? What then?

What I am saying is that up to now I would without hesitation have denied being torn over my two lovers. But now, not so sure.

I guess I’m interested in The Torn Project not because I'm conflicted but because I suspect there will be a time in the not-too-distant future when I will be conflicted.

And then I don't know what my options will be. And I don't know which of those options I will choose.

Watch this space.