When someone suddenly tips into feeling torn – tips so much that they're off-balance – it can be hard to handle that, even if you’re totally committed to supporting them.
You may be witnessing a surge of anxiety. Floods of tears. Bursts of rage. Often in a public place or an inappropriate situation. All understandable when someone is suffering an inner conflict. But it leaves them overwhelmed – and can leave you off balance yourself.
What can you do? What shouldn't you do? What will help? What won't help? Here are some guidelines.
Do make sure the person's physically safe. Inner conflict can overwhelm on a busy street, when cooking a meal, while driving a car. Encourage them to stop, stay still, not move until the burst of emotion has passed.
Don't think that emotions are a bad thing – for example, tears will help the body release stress. So if possible leave space for the other person’s feelings and reassure them you're not wobbled. As they start to recover, bring their focus away from the overwhelm by gently directing their attention to what's happening around them then, gently change the conversation to talking about something neutral and positive. However… see next point!
Do offer the opportunity to talk at more length about what the person is feeling. But make sure you have time and space to listen. If you haven't, and have to cut them short, then they may feel abandoned. Instead, agree to meet at another time when you can focus and give them the attention they need.
Don't expect to work miracles. When faced with suddenly erupting emotion, you can’t wave a magic wand – nor can you resolve someone’s entire inner conflict in the next ten minutes. Offer what you can, a coffee and a chat, rather than trying to sort everything out and then feeling a failure when that isn’t instantly possible!