Roy writes:
"Joining the events team on a well-known summer festival seemed a good idea. But if it wasn't for one brief conversation, I would have ended up broken."
Events manager Roy was proud of his work ethic. If he took a job, he never bailed out. For him it was a moral duty to hang in there.
"I've always believed in helping others rather than thinking of myself. However tough I'm finding it, I don't let people down."
When Roy joined the festival, the poisonous dynamics were immediately obvious. He reported the problem. But he didn't get the response he needed.
"Management said "It's always like this… deal with it… rather you than me." No working together to solve things. No support. No sympathy. That hit me hard."
Roy felt like quitting. It was against his values, but for once he felt tempted to give up. He was deeply torn. Then this happened…
A woman in the team pulled Roy aside, saying, "I can see what's happening. I know the signs – my husband's had a nervous breakdown. How can I help?"
"I felt seen. Supported. Able to hold my values. That conversation resolved my conflict, by giving me the strength to keep going…."
One insight
One of the most devastating kinds of inner conflict we've identified in our research is the struggle between trying to uphold one's own standards and feeling one simply can't cope. It leaves a person thinking they are a failure – until someone else appreciates their struggle. For Roy, that appreciation resolved everything.
One lesson
It's important to appreciate your inner conflicts. Almost always you are trying to do your best, even if it feels you are not succeeding in any way. So celebrate yourself. Give yourself credit. It may not be entirely clear how your inner conflict is doing something useful for you. But that's often what is happening.
Four questions
- When have you tried your best and found yourself still not coping?
- In that situation, hat could have happened which would have turned things round for you?
- In that situation, what would have happened if you'd really felt you were doing your best?
- Here's a challenge. Spot someone who's torn – and somehow make it clear that they're doing their best, even if they don't thing so.
This is a real-life story of inner conflict taken from our research interviews. To maintain confidentiality we’ve removed identifying details.