Most of us know that the past influences the present.
But when we’re lost in the here-and-now struggle of inner conflict, we may not remember to look back.
Yet it’s crucial. What we learned earlier in life – in the far past of our childhood or the near past of a just-ended relationship – may hugely influence our feeling torn.
Feeling torn involves hooking into the most important things in life – our values, our beliefs, what we are yearning for, what we are fearful of. And when these clash, we feel conflicted.
Thing is, our values, beliefs, yearning and fears come from our past experience. (In fact, many come not only from our past experiences but from the past experiences of other people passed on to us often without even realising it.)
It may help you understand your inner conflict if you delve into your past and pinpoint the messages you’ve learned – from what you’ve been taught… what you’ve been told… what you’ve experienced… what you’ve witnessed first hand or through the media what others have experienced.
The diagram below shows many of the sources where we get past messages.
Reading the diagram may help you pinpoint what messages you’ve got from the past. Trawling your memories with the elements in this diagram as a guide will help you focus.
You might want to use a sentence starter ‘X taught me that…’ (where X is a person or an event or a phase in your life) and then complete the phrase. ‘My mother taught me to do what I was told’… ‘Teenage love taught me that love doesn’t work out’… ‘Having a child taught me it is amazing to be a parent’ .
Thing is, past lessons are often right. But sometimes they’re outdated, inappropriate or plain wrong. ‘Do what you’re told’ may be a good lesson when you’re 6 years of age, not so much when you’re 36. ‘Love doesn’t work out’ may feel true when a relationship ends, but isn’t a useful belief when one finds a compatible partner. ‘It is amazing to be a parent’ may create inner conflict when one discovers that parenting can be hard day-to-day’.
So when you feel torn, take a look at whether your inner conflict may be between beliefs, values , yearnings or fears that are no longer relevant or appropriate or right for you.
And whether, if the lessons of the past are no longer right and you set them aside, your inner conflict can mysteriously find a resolution.