You ask:
I'm recovering from a very tough divorce which has left me and my ex-partner both devastated. This breakup business is much more challenging than I expected!
My question isn't about my divorce though, but about a colleague who's asking for my help. She's in the situation I was in last year and has asked me to share my experiences to help her get through hers. Neither of us are seeing a counsellor so it seemed like a good idea to swap notes.
Problem is, I've realised I'm not comfortable doing it. It's still too close to home for me and we both seem to get more upset the more we talk. I also don't find it easy to focus on her problems and I think she's having the same difficulty – we're even getting a bit irritated with each other as to whose turn it is to cry!
We've met up for coffee twice. But I don’t think I want to carry on. Yet I don't want to let my colleague down. Am I being unkind here?
We answer:
You're experiencing a classic inner conflict between on the one hand wanting to go with your own needs and on the other hand feeling guilty about not meeting somebody else's needs.
The point you may be missing here is that stopping the conversation may in fact be better for both of you. Because what's happening seems to me to be unwise.
Yes, friends who have been through similar unhappy experiences can often support each other. And if both of you were finding it calming, reassuring, helpful and hopeful to be talking this way, then I'd be suggesting you carry on.
But both of you are still very upset and you're probably triggering each other into feeling worse and worse. Plus, the upset is so strong that it's making it difficult for you to support each other. So you feel unseen and unheard, and that’s not good.
So while I'm a huge fan of supporting other people, in this case I think maybe both of you could be better off seeing a professional counsellor. Of course when you've recovered more, it could be good to swap notes. But not yet.
In answer to your question, you're not being unkind – but thoughtful and caring – by suggesting that your conversations need to stop.