It can have a huge impact when you support someone who is feeling torn. It can, literally, change their life.
Which is why, even though you already have the basic ingredient – a wish to help – the impact may be so huge that you feel overwhelmed.
So here are ten of the essential skills that you need to develop.
For a check list version of this article, see our article 'Checklist for supporters'.
Validating
What a torn person thinks they need is a decision. But usually what they need is the confidence to do what it takes to reach that decision. And their confidence will have been naturally drained by feelings of failure and the sense of shame that society heaps on people who feel torn. So do all you can do to help validate, appreciate, and reassure the torn person that what they are doing is not easy.
Here are some useful validating phrases: “It’s so understandable you’re feeling this way”, “Of course you need time to work all this out.”, “Inner conflict’s hard. You’re doing really well.”
Putting yourself second
If you yourself have ever been conflicted, the big benefit is that you'll be able to sympathise with others. The big drawback is that you'll be tempted to over-share the memories of your pain, and end up taking the limelight. So step back and let their story take the stage. The more the focus is on the other person, the more they'll have space to resolve their conflict.
Listening
Anyone unhappy will benefit from talking things through. But someone torn may benefit double or treble, because a big part of their pain comes from their relentless inner monologue as they flip between a thousand options none of which are good enough The relief of expressing that to you will be huge.
Asking questions
Listening is the key skill when helping anyone find their way through. But listening 24/7 with no interaction isn't really listening. Asking questions to show you are engaged and genuinely interested… to help the other clarify what they are saying… to encourage them to go deeper and understand more… to help them realise what is really happening… all this is essential too.
Accepting emotions
You'll probably be expecting that someone who feels torn may be confused. They will almost certainly be that – but they may also be fearful about which direction to take, frustrated about the possibilities, ashamed that they are wobbling, resentful about the situation they're in. The core thing you need to offer for all of these emotions is acceptance. If you can sit with whatever emotion a person is showing and let them know you're not judging them, that will make a huge difference.
Assisting practically
Most people coping with an inner conflict are reasonably functional in a practical way. They're holding down jobs, caring for kids, studying for exams and generally doing fine. But feeling torn does take up huge amounts of time, energy, focus and motivation. So asking whether you can help with the shopping or by taking the rubbish to the tip may be just what they need.
Gathering information
A key stage in the journey to resolving inner conflict is getting the information needed. Finding out more about the options, the possibilities, the blocks, the barriers will instantly help things become clearer. And helping to gather that information can be delegated from the person conflicted to… you. So if you're able, take on at least some of the role of research assistant.
Using tiny moves
People tend to think that the big gestures of support and kindness are the best. And sometimes they are. But tiny moves – the single word or phrase in the right place, the offer of a cup of coffee, the postcard sent to arrive on a significant date – are often the nudges that allow people to reach resolution. So regularly send any minimal message that somehow says 'I believe in you… things can change… I'm here… you'll get there’
Advising appropriately
Add advice as you would flavouring to a meal. Lightly. Almost unnoticeably. Because advising someone what to do can so easily derail their journey to resolution by making them think they should do what you did or what you are advising them to do. But that may not be the right way forward for them at all. Yes, sharing what has helped you, passing on useful information, mentioning options the other person may not have thought of - all this is mostly useful. Just beware telling others they should do things your way.
Witnessing
Witnessing means being there for the person in their conflict, taking them seriously every step of their journey, being interested in the workings of their mind, allowing and accepting every wave of emotion, demonstrating that they are not alone and that you care. And above all, showing that you know this is an important and positive step in their life, that they are. not alone, that you care. And that you're honoured to be there for them.