Being Torn – I hate who I've become

My inner conflict is not about what to do but about how to feel.

My wife is very ill. She's still having treatment and the end is probably a few years away, but she's in pain all the time and that makes her very depressed. She's not the way she was and neither is our relationship.

I know absolutely what I ought to do and what I ought to be like. And I am doing and being all of that.

I'm retired so I can do everything round the house, I spend all my time with her apart from going to the shops, keeping her company. I smile and tell her I love her. We talk about the future even though we know that things are never going to be good again. My son's in Australia and although he comes over as much as he can, it is down to me. And I'm doing it. It's fine. We're both retired so… it's fine.

Thing is though, I hate it. I absolutely hate it. Yes, I do it. And I'll do it as long as it takes. But I know how I feel inside. I was so looking forward to at least twenty years of travelling round the county in the van, good meals, just being happy together. And now it's not going to happen.

I go round and round in my head. Would it help to make it easier. Get help in … and we could just about afford a cleaner once a week and then I could have some time off… I mean, I could go out somewhere, have some time on my own. But that would look like I don't want to be with her. She'd sense I need space. So that's not the answer.

And I go round and round in my head about how to feel different. Why I am feeling so bitter? This is a woman I have spent most of my adult life with and I owe her so much. She's been so good to me. And up to now I've been so good to her. So why have I suddenly become a man I don't like, don't even respect. But I can't seem to change it. That's not the answer either.

Wherever I look, no answers.

I want to feel loving and caring. I want to find just a small part of me that wants to help her, wants to mean it when I say I love her, wants to understand and sympathise and be kind on the inside instead of just acting a part. But I can't seem to do it.

I feel guilty all the time. And then I feel guilty about feeling guilty. And then I just go down a rabbit hole.

Sometimes I just want to scream and scream

And what I want to scream is not 'Let my wonderful wife stay alive..'

It's "Can this be over soon please. Just make it go away ."