The problem around spotting when others feel torn is that you have only limited evidence.
You can't know the internal signals. You can only judge the external ones, the words and the actions – and these may not be enough. In the end you may have to gently ask what is going on.
But as a first attempt at interpretation, here are 15 key signals. Look out for them particularly in context – that is, when someone uses them in the context of their conflict area – the job, the wedding, the health issue, the family arguments.
- Contradictory thoughts, a flurry of pros and cons
- A response to suggestions which is first positive then hesitant or negative
- Sudden changes of mental direction
- Mental confusion
- Forgetting key details or plans linked with the issue
- New thoughts, anxiously abandoned
- Certainty vanishing then reappearing
- Contradictory words – 'X but Y… good but bad… yes but no but maybe'
- A word pattern showing different thought directions – “on the other hand… alternatively… that said…”
- An unwillingness to talk about the area of conflict… or an overeagerness to discuss it and nothing else…
- Contradictory actions
- Agreement then disagreement
- Acceptance then rejection
- Hesitation, alteration, postponement, cancellation
- Hope rising then falling then rising again
All the above are natural and normal reactions when they happen one at a time… only occasionally… not repeatedly… and calmly, confidently, contentedly.
But when the above are underpinned by a constant layer of unhappy and unsettled emotion – anxiety, irritation, sadness, helplessness, self blame – then there's probably inner conflict. And you're probably right to be concerned.
NB: Illnesses triggered by anxiety or stress are a common sign of inner conflict – newly developed stomach pain, gut pain, headaches and allergic reactions. But don't jump to conclusions. These symptoms are also signs of entirely physical conditions. Always seek medical help rather than making an amateur diagnosis.