You ask:
My Mum died last autumn after a battle with cancer, and even though that was a year ago, I really miss her.
I live close to my Dad and try to see him most days because he's really struggling. But that means it's impossible to talk to him about my own problems because he's too caught up with his own. My own friends never ask how I'm doing and I think they reckon I should have recovered by now.
I'm caught between wanting to talk things through and feeling that I should be getting on with my life. I feel so needy. Is this normal?
We answer:
Yours is a frequent ask. One of the major themes we've found in our interview research is that people tend to struggle between needing support and not wanting to ask for it.
Our first message to you is to let go of the idea that you shouldn’t need help. You've suffered a major bereavement and you're supporting your Dad in his loss – you have a huge number of practical and emotional burdens. Of course you need help.
The next step to resolving your conflict will be to understand more about why it’s happening. Where did that thought ‘I should be getting on with my life' come from?
Probably from really early life messages about not being worth other people's love and care and therefore being 'wrong' or 'bad' for wanting it. And that belief is often hammered home by society in general telling people not to reach out for help but instead manage alone. Please, please understand that these messages are simply not true. You have every right to the support you need right now.
Let’s move to the practical solutions to resolving your conflict – how to actually get the support you need. You're right that your Dad may be too vulnerable to take the whole weight of your grief. But perhaps allowing yourself to express some of your sadness might make it easier for him to share his – and might bring you even closer in a way he probably needs now your Mum is gone
As for your friends, don't assume they think you should be over your grief by now. People can think it's not 'tactful' to ask, or think they're intruding, or making things worse if they mention loss. So… try reaching out.
Which of your friends could be most sympathetic to you, could be the best listener? Get to see them one-on-one for a chat, mention how you're feeling, see how they react. They could well feel very trusted – even honoured – by your confiding. And remember that even if you can't get all the support you need from that one friend, you can reach out to others.
Finally, as well as getting support from those close to you, think about seeing a bereavement counsellor – who are specifically trained to help you through this. In the United Kingdom, the key organisation is Cruse Bereavement Care (www.cruse.org.uk); the Scottish equivalent is Cruse Scotland (www.crusescotland.org.uk). Either organisation can also help you find similar support in other countries.