In the very, very early days of Torn, when we first started mentioning ‘inner conflict’ to other people, we expected they'd be uncomfortable and change the subject. They didn't. They got interested, focused, engaged.
If we followed up with the question, “Do you think feeling torn is something people do?” we almost always got a “Yes… Of course… Surely everybody does.”
If we then asked a much more personal question, we almost always got a flood of emotion. Some tears. Some frustration. Some anxiety. “Conflicted all the time… Often torn… My daughter's confused right now… My partner's in agony about what to do… I remember when… I look ahead and panic… How do you solve this?”
As we expanded our conversations to more formal research interviews, we did meet people who didn’t experience feeling torn, or who didn’t find it painful, or who navigated their way through inner conflict in seconds. We talked to them and gained their insights and strategies.
But they really are in a minority.
Most people find that the inner conflict struggle is real for them. And they want their struggle to be seen, heard, acknowledged.
Most people find that the inner conflict struggle is real for them. And they want their struggle to be seen, heard, acknowledged.
The lesson here is that you are not alone.
The lesson is also that you are not wrong.
Our research shows that as a global society, people often believe inner conflict is wrong – a weakness, a cowardice, a waste of time. And that belief suggests that those experiencing inner conflict are wrong – somehow lacking, needing to sort ourselves out.
Which means that at the heart of every internal struggle is a self-critical belief. Whatever people’s ages, genders, beliefs, cultures, if they feel conflicted, they may blame and shame themselves for being unable to resolve it.
“Come on… decide… make your mind up… stop wobbling… just jump…” And, particularly when a conflict strikes to the heart of deep values. “Your hesitation means you lack moral fibre… your doubts show you don’t trust God… your questions are a betrayal of your country.”
Which is why we found in our research that many people add shame to their original pain of being conflicted.
And which is why up until now, the way to cope with internal conflict, in many societies, has so often been to ignore it. To deny. Dismiss. Repress. Resist. Reject. Negate. Invalidate.
But as we spoke more and more to those conflicted, to those who’d been conflicted, and to those who’d personally or professionally supported the conflicted… we realised that far from being a sign of weakness or wrong-doing, inner conflict turns out to be a Good Thing.
Time and again we heard stories of inner conflict leading to more thoughtful decisions, better outcomes, positive changes, personal development, individual growth. Feeling torn seems to be a sign something important is happening for us. That we need to take it seriously. That we need to make the journey until we have solid, successful and whole-hearted resolution.
So where does this leave you? If you’re feeling torn right now, all this may sound irrelevant – or at least may mean it’s hard to see the benefits of inner conflict when you’re in the thick of it. But when you have time to take in what we’re suggesting, you might try some of the resources we’ve collected, some of the ways forward we’ve gathered, and are presenting on this website.
In the meantime, here are three takeaway messages:
1. If you’re feeling torn, know that there are arguably billions of people in the world feeling just as you are. Even if the issues they’re struggling with aren’t the same as yours. Even if their pain is less (or more) than yours.
2. If you're feeling ashamed of feeling torn, know that it's society which is shaming you. But that you have every reason to be conflicted about whatever your current situation is, and every right to keep going until you find your way through to resolution. And there are ways through.
3. If you do make the journey, gather the information, start to understand and then take the direction that is right for you right now, your life will almost certainly be better and more fulfilling than before.