The Torn Journey Detailed Guide

Our research suggests that there is a clear pattern to the experience of inner conflict. We call this the Torn Journey. The following is a series of detailed guides to each of the seven stages of the journey, and it offers a route map, ways to tell where you are on the journey, what can block you and how to shift the blocks, signs you are moving on, hints for if you are supporting someone torn and links to other relevant pages on this website.

This stage of the Torn Journey takes you from Resistance to Acknowledgement.

It starts on an unconscious level, your body and mind troubled but without knowing why. Inner conflict takes a while to come to the surface – so even though some part of you knows there's a problem, you’re not conscious of it.

You feel uncomfortable in body and mind. You may have physical symptoms, trouble sleeping, even a lowered immune system as your body struggles with the stress of inner conflict. Mentally, you may find it hard to focus, remember, make choices, commit to future plans. You're deeply confused. Other people may spot this and ask if you're OK. You shrug off concerns. You're fine… aren't you?

You may resist acknowledging that you feel torn. Society often tells us it's a weakness, that we should be decisive and confident. And we ourselves may feel that if we admit an inner conflict, we may be judged. So the road block here can be resistant denial – what you don't acknowledge can't harm you.

In this stage, blocks often shift when you reach the point where the discomfort of unconscious conflict is too much to bear, and you are internally driven to realise what is happening. Or perhaps someone else's concern for you allows you to feel safe enough to admit the problem to yourself.

Take time to question the tension points in your life, to ask what choices or decisions you're finding difficult. What are you afraid of happening if you start to acknowledge your torn feelings? Lower your fear by remembering that there are almost always resolutions – and that inner conflict happens not when you're failing, but when you're trying to improve your life.

You'll know you're through this stage and ready for the next when you can acknowledge you feel torn, know what your conflict is, actually name it. You may feel upset, shamed, anxious. But your mind has joined the dots. You consciously realise what's happening and that's a crucial step.

When someone else seems to be at this stage, check in with them. Use phrases like 'are you OK?' or 'Is something wrong?' If there's clearly a situation which might be creating torn feelings, ask specifically 'are you finding it tricky to decide about X?'. Don't be put off by the answer 'I'm fine". Just step in and gently open the conversation.

This stage of the Torn Journey takes you from Distress to Clarity.

It starts as you begin to recognise there's a conflict. You begin to question what it is. You start to identify the opposing sides. You're now conscious of what is going on although you don't fully understand it. But at least you can name it.

You'll be actively thinking about the conflict, imagining the directions you could take and what those directions could lead to, positive and negative. You're distracted from everyday life as you try to sort out the problem. You're probably emotional – anxious, irritable, frustrated.

Your need and motivation to find a resolution will ramp up – but so will the fear there's no resolution available. Talking to others may feel helpful , but if they offer contradictory advice, tell you not to worry, or blame you for being conflicted, your pain will increase. You may end up paralysed and demotivated.

Blocks often shift as the certainty of an answer rises or feelings of shame fall. It will help to sidestep self-blame and realise that inner conflict is a normal, natural process. You're not in any way failing – you're resolving, growing, and improving your life.

Settle in for the long haul – in all but minor conflicts, quick fixes are unlikely. So manage expectations and build energy and self-confidence any way you can. Talk about the problem – though only to those who believe in you and will challenge you helpfully rather than criticise. Also, lean into this website, where we offer reminders that being conflicted is not a weakness and reassurance that there are solutions. In particular, for inspiration read the real life stories on this website and on @thetornproject or listen to The Torn Podcast.

You'll know you're through this stage and ready for the next when your anxiety level drops and you have focus and clarity. You're not desperate for a resolution but you are clear about what you want. If you're talking to other people to get their views rather than to get reassurance and forgiveness, you're well on your way.

When someone else is at this stage, they'll need questions not answers. Because they feel torn between the directions they could take, it'll be tempting to tell them which one you'd choose. But don't – they may feel bad at even considering any other option than the one you advise. In short, don't tell people what to do!

This stage of the Torn Journey takes you from Unawareness to Understanding.

It starts as you find you need to know more. You need to define realistic possibilities, collect the facts, gather knowledge, build expertise, ask questions, learn lessons, reflect on the past – all to make sure you're heading the right way.

You'll find your focus switch to thinking. Ideally you're curious, alert, trying to comprehend. Your emotions aren't on hold, but this phase is more about evidence and proof than instinct and gut reaction. You're even starting to make judgements, to question some ways forward because they really don't fit.

At this stage many people mysteriously get stuck. Information-gathering can feel boring, dull and dry – and the temptation is to believe that what you already know is all you need to know. Another block is that the very fact of taking action to explore one possible direction can feel as if you are rejecting the other direction. Result – a strong case of FOMO.

The easier and more enjoyable you can make the gathering of information, the more of it you'll do. And the wider you spread your curiosity net, the more you'll feel you've given your options an equal chance and haven't missed any opportunities.

Gathering enough information to lead you to a resolution will take time and energy. So enrol friends, bring in experts, use reliable AI. Plus, gather information about every option rather than get swayed into adopting one too early in the process – stay curious as long as you can. Also, remember not to focus solely on facts but also on what you feel, what your inner yearnings are, what you most fear. Especially, gather memory information – past events which may be affecting or biasing your attitudes towards the inner conflict you are dealing with.

You'll know you're through this stage and on to the next when the information you're gathering is no longer new to you – you already know it. Or, when you start wanting more hands-on experience to add to your research – in other words when you're spontaneously wanting less thought and more action.

When someone else is at this stage, your best offer is to actively help. Offer to do the information-gathering work with them, or for them. It will take time. It will take effort. But if you can reduce the time and effort the person you're supporting is spending, you'll be helping them enormously.

This stage of the Torn Journey takes you from from Imagination to Self-Determination.

It starts with wanting to take action and get a real sense of the future – the future you might have if you resolve the conflict and take the right route. You already know a lot about how that might look. But now - in imagination or preferably in real life – you need to get a deep sense of what resolution might mean for you.

You'll find yourself thinking 'what if?'. You visualise options and talk yourself through possibilities. You hypothesise. You do thought experiments of what it might be like to follow one path or another. You do action experiments, finding ways to approximate the direction you feel you want to take. You enthusiasm rises – or falls – as you step into these experiences more fully.

The main roadblock here is coming face-to-face with real life. You may find yourself bitterly disappointed by an option you thought perfect. Or find yourself perfectly happy with the direction suggested by your experiment – but then become aware that financial or practical barriers make it impossible. Or that, now you're nearing decision point, others in your life are starting to panic and object.

At this stage, blocks often disappear when situations or attitudes change. Inner conflicts can be a huge jigsaw – unsolvable if one piece is missing. But find the piece and pop it in, and the rest of the puzzle makes sense. Altering even just one practicality – time frame, context, investment – may help. Reframing just one emotional need or reworking one personal relationship may remove the block.

If experiments throw up blocks, explore what you could change to make a difference. What do you need to do so that what seems like an impossible option becomes entirely possible? In particular, it may be hugely useful to get external support from a professional, who can help you with practical solutions or, in the case of counselling, extra emotional insights.

You'll know you're ready for the next stage when you start letting go of some options involved in your conflict, and feeling more drawn towards others. You'll feel yourself taking charge, realising what you want, being self-determined. And therefore feeling much more hopeful and optimistic.

When someone else is at this stage, your role is to be a cheerleader They now almost certainly have enough information and experience to find a a resolution. What they need is for you to help them be clear about what they want, believe they deserve to have what they want, and feel confident enough to try to solve any glitches along the way.

This stage of the Torn Journey takes you from from Indecision to Certainty.

It starts with what we call the tipping point. This is when you get a sense that there is a resolution. A way forward which works for you. A path which triggers no deal-breaking doubts. A direction which seems like the right one for you right now.

Two main possibilities here. A sudden realisation where you realise in a flash what the resolution should be. Or a gradual building of conviction, the weight of evidence becoming completely convincing. The effect of both possibilities is that you now largely think of only one way forward. You feel increasingly optimistic – actively excited or comfortably relaxed. You see positive images. Tell yourself positive stories. It's the ultimate feel good.

You may doubt your own tipping point. Sure, it feels right. But can you trust yourself – especially if the answer has come to you abruptly or unexpectedly, even more so if others don't trust your conclusion. You may have spent months or even years feeling indecisive – so it may be hard to believe in your certainty now.

At this stage, blocks also shift when more evidence emerges, when the information gathered is proved correct. the experiments are proved convincing. Blocks shift too as the belief in the solution you've found becomes more solid, deepens, and is less and less affected by what others think and feel.

To regain trust in a tipping point, review what's already happened. Check your facts and figures for accuracy. Check your positive thoughts and feelings to see if they still hold up. Look back over time – your whole life if the inner conflict is a very serious one - to check you're not making old mistakes. Ask someone you trust to be neutral what they think of your conclusion. Do a 'pros' and 'cons' list to make sure you're considering all the angles. Importantly, have at least one exit route, one escape lane that you know you can use if your tipping point proves to be an error.

You'll know you're through this stage and ready for the next when not only your instincts tell you the way to go, but your evidence supports that. No need for 100% certainty – you'll only have that when you're actively going in the direction you believe is right. But 90-95% is good enough to start taking action.

When someone else is at this stage, be happy and proud for them. They've done the work, they've struggled for certainty, they've reached a conclusion. That's a cause for pride. And you should encourage pride even if you personally believe the conclusion is wrong. Because while what the person you're supporting has chosen may not be right for you, it may well be right for them. Yes, help them create an exit route. But still support the decision they've come to.

This stage of the Torn Journey takes you from from Regret to Realignment.

It starts when you come to a conclusion about the answer to your inner conflict. You're as certain as you can be that you've reached resolution so you set off in this new direction. But something isn't right. The practicalities aren't working out. Your emotions are more and more negative. You know something has to change.

This stage is a rerun of Stage 2 of the journey, when you first consciously registered an inner conflict. You're thinking and rethinking, wondering what direction to take next, getting frustrated, blaming yourself. You're back in distress and shame – only worse now that you're repeating the experience..

The key roadblock here is feeling that you messed up. You thought you had things sorted, but you didn't. You add to the shame of having the inner conflict by piling on extra self-blame at having worked hard at a resolution but still made mistakes. Yes, you seemed to succeed at the information-gathering and experiment stages, but you're still getting it wrong. You may lose hope that you can never get resolution.

At this stage blocks often naturally shift once the first panic is over. Calmer, you'll be more able to get perspective, and to see that you did make progress to resolution even if the direction you chose wasn't absolutely right. You can turn back and take a new direction. You can consult the map again. You can change the context and get a new map!

What you need in order to navigate these forks in the road is realignment. Realign your emotions so you regain hope and confidence. Begin to see that what you did before was largely effective, insightful, useful – it'll help here to ask your supporters to remind you of your successes.

Then, realign your direction. Look back over your information and experiments in the light of what you've learned from taking the wrong fork. Ask more questions – of yourself, of others with different expertise – to correct wrong assumptions. Open up to other possibilities you've rejected or not even thought of. Then, try again, taking another fork in the road.

You'll know you're through this stage and ready for the next when you feel realigned – looking in a different direction, considering different options, maybe just identifying small but crucial tweaks. Realignment needs to come emotionally too – you're ready to move on when you feel not regret and hopelessness but renewed motivation and optimism.

When someone else is at this stage, they need you to believe in them. Help them remember the effort and courage they've already put into resolving their conflict. Point out that they've already done most of the work and that resolution may only take a few more tweaks. And support them in any way which gives them energy to try again.

This stage of the Torn Journey takes you from Confidence to Congruence.

It starts when you find a resolution, a direction which really fits what you want and need. You're already pretty certain you're on track, and if you have met forks in the road, you've realigned and found a better path. This final stage on the Torn Journey is where the better path proves to be one that is truly right for you right now.

You experience what we call ‘congruence'. Everything about the direction you're taking fits with who you are – yearnings, values, beliefs, wants, needs. The way you've resolved your inner conflict has brought harmony and balance and your life is better than before.

Plus, you can look back at your past conflict and look around at the life you're living now and see meaning. You understand what has happened. And though feeling torn is painful, you appreciate and celebrate what you did to reach this new and peaceful place.

There are very few roadblocks at this stage. Of course, you won't always experience this perfect fit in your life – you change and so does your situation. But you now have even more experience of what to do when you feel torn. And if others question or criticise where you've ended up, you are far better able to explain confidently why you took that direction.

Going forward, remember the journey and what you've learned.

Allow yourself to recognise when your body and mind are uncomfortable. And at that point – very early in the process – consciously ask yourself whether you are torn.

Remember that inner conflict is not a failure or weakness but a tool for self-development. So face it, identify it, don't feel shamed.

Then move to gathering information.

After that, move to hypothesis and experiment to give you ways to resolution.

When you find your tipping point, the realisation of a resolution, be proud.

If there are forks in the road see that as an opportunity to refine and improve your resolution.

In short, making this journey is a great way not only to resolve whatever inner conflict you're going through now, but also to help you navigate future conflicts even more easily.

When someone else is at this stage, congratulate them, and let them know that when they next feel torn, you are there for them.

And also, congratulate yourself for your part in helping someone else make the journey!